Movie Review: TRANSFORMERS 3: DARK OF THE MOON (2011)

I am seriously starting to hate Michael Bay movies. Sure BAD BOYS 1 & 2 were greatly funny and action driven. But beating a dead horse to death with the TRANSFORMERS movies is getting wayyy too fuckin’ annoying.

Rating: 1 Out Of 5 Star

This third film, THE DARK OF THE MOON, essentially opens with a great montage sequence showing the Space Race between USA and the Russians back in the 60’s. The film credits that frantic race to get to the Moon due to the fact that a mysterious Alien ship crashed into the Moon years before, and USA wanted to go investigate. Basically saying the whole reason the moon landing happened was related to the Transformers. Great set up, awesome premise!

But it does the exact same thing that the 2nd film, REVENGE OF THE FALLEN did. It ignores everything established in the movies before it. More on that later.

We find out that what’s on the moon, is basically an Autobot ship that had a secret weapon, which was supposed to win the war on the Transformers’ home planet of Cybatron, back in the day. However the ship was attacked, crashed somewhere, and Cybatron become a wasteland due to the war between Autobots and Decepticons. Bringing the story very close to home for our immigrant Robots. After magically showing us that the Autobots can now travel in space, they investigate the ship and find an Ancient Prime, the predecessor to Optimus. This 2nd old Transformer in the movie franchise is just like the other one from the second movie, grumpy and cranky after being asleep for decades. Awesome character development. Anyways, he reveals the weapon was a mass transporting device, which in the wrong hands– blah blah blah.

REVENGE OF THE FALLEN can also be attributed with completely destroying the entire premise of the TRANSFORMERS franchise: robots that can transform into humans. So why the fuck do they ALL not do that?! Wouldn’t it make taking over the world SO much easier?!

I digress. Well not really, but can limit my rage to the 3rd movie for the purposes of this review. THE DARK OF THE MOON, after all this, comes along and basically retroactively changes even more things about the TRANSFORMERS movie continuity. The government in the last two movies, apparently, completely forgot that there’s an alien spaceship on the moon. Which, apparently was the entire basis of NASA and their entire space program. They also tie in how Megatron was actually coming to Earth to intercept that ship. Not to look for the All Spark, as it was in the first movie. Great!

So Bay and friends just wanna change up everything and do a mulligan with each new movie, with more Transformers, bigger explosions and mind numbingly stupid plot points. It raises crucial questions into the stories of both the sequels (so far!!) which completely poke, not holes, but gaping craters into the stories of those films.

First of all, the 2nd film, had no scenes that focuses on the Transformers. The only interaction was between the twin buggies that was SO racist it’s not even worth discussing. THE DARK… does show us more interaction between the Transformers, however, only for superficial effect it seems. When Jazz gets ripped apart in the first film, it’s a shocker. He was a beloved character, after Bumblebee, and his death was sad.

TRANSFORMERS: THE DARK OF THE MOON is a horrible horrible 2nd sequel to an otherwise great first movie. The franchise has been completely desecrated for the sake of money and box office returns, with no thought to any sort of continuity or logical plots. I could probably make a much better story using the toys and stop motion animation, than another one of these moronic films with idiotic stories and Bay-gasmic explosions.

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